Cynthia Hayes and Ryan Brown

Ryan Brown paid for his mother’s dinner at their joint birthday party – what might seem like a small gesture. But after watching her son go through hell and back in the throes of drug addiction, that simple act brought tears to Cynthia Hayes’ eyes.

“For him to be in a position from where he was, to one where he can pay for my dinner, to me that’s amazing,” Hayes said.

Brown’s Addiction and Recovery Story

Brown started experimenting with pot in his teenage years, which progressed to ecstasy, alcohol, acid, and meth as he moved out of his mother’s house and entered his 20s. He never thought he would try heroin – until he did.

His addiction spiraled out of control. For more than a decade, his life revolved around drugs – selling and using them.

In his mid- to late-20s, Brown was homeless and moved back in with Cynthia. But Brown’s substance use disorder put a strain on Hayes and her marriage to her then-husband. Not wanting to enable his drug abuse any longer, Hayes refused to allow her son to live with her.

“It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I had to close the door in his face,” Hayes said. “It was gut-wrenching. I still cry about it. I was supposed to be taking care of my child, but instead I’m leaving him out with no place to go, knowing he’s got this drug addiction. He could be dead tomorrow.”

But Brown had to take accountability for his actions. 

“It was really her only choice, and I feel like she made exactly the right choice,” Brown said. “Obviously, I was pissed in the moment, but I couldn’t see the effects that I had on other people in my addiction. Since then, understanding how addiction hurts other people, I see now that was the best possible thing she could have done because that might have led to me getting sober.”

Brown cycled through jail, rehab centers, and three-quarter housing for years, until he slowly warmed up to recovery after moving into sober housing in Port Huron in 2015. He met other people in recovery through Blue Water Recovery and Outreach Center (BWROC), got a sponsor, and started working the 12 Steps.

Through a Mother’s Eyes: Coping with Addiction in an Adult Child

Hayes started going to Nar-Anon Family Groups and BWROC’s Bible Study, where she met other people in recovery.

A nonprofit recovery community organization founded in 2017, BWROC offers a unique, peer-driven, non-clinical support system.

BWROC’s employees, peer recovery coaches, and volunteers are usually in recovery themselves. This real-world experience allows them to empathize with program participants who are new to or struggling with recovery. The organization was awarded the prestigious CAPRSS Accreditation by the Council on Accreditation of Peer Recovery Support Services, a testament to BWROC’s dedication to providing participants with the highest quality service.

Hayes said it was healing to surround herself with positive people who could relate to her struggles. For her own mental health, she learned to let go of the instinct to emotionally involve herself in her son’s actions.

“When I first started going it was hard because all I did was cry,” she said. “I put up this wall. It wasn’t that I didn’t care about him, but I didn’t let him in. I had to detach. It still hurt me though to think that he was in this situation.”

She slowly learned to let go of the guilt for her son’s addiction with her Christian faith as guidance.

“Of course, I blamed myself in that I thought it was his dad and I got a divorce. I thought I didn’t pay enough attention or I had done something wrong,” she said. “After learning that God has a plan for all of us, I learned I can’t beat myself up.”

Brown has been drug-free since his final relapse in October 2017. He went to the hospital after being pulled over for erratic driving. His sponsor and then-girlfriend were by his side when he woke up the next morning.

“I’ll have that feeling forever. I think that was one of the biggest wake-up calls I’ve ever gotten,” he said. “Going through so much disappointment and letting people down, this was one more time that I did it. I didn’t want to do it anymore.”

Life in Recovery

Now, Brown is a tattoo artist at Sarenity Tattoo in Port Huron. He loves his wife and their blended family of four children. While he joked that his life can be hectic, Brown said he is grateful to be able to lead it.

Brown and Hayes now have a loving and trusting relationship filled with family dinners and visits from the grandchildren.

“I am so proud of him,” Hayes said. “It takes so much courage and strength. I’ve seen a lot of people like him at BWROC. All of those people amaze me, that they could actually do that.”

If you or someone you know is struggling with addiction, learn more about what you can do by contacting the Blue Water Recovery and Outreach Center at (810) 689-4858 or via email at contact@bwroc.org.  

• By Laura Fitzgerald, a freelance writer based in the Blue Water Area